What Doesn't Kill You...

As the sun set on day 1 of the DIY Wellness Retreat, I was already mourning the impending loss of my muscles.

24 hours later, my pride would be the only thing preventing me from using the elevator to access my room, a meager one level below.

But, as Friedrich Nietzsche said, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” 

Well, after completing three days of wellness retreat workouts and living to write about it, I should be freaking superwoman. 

But, I’m not.  

Apparently superhuman powers aren’t generated by one day of boot camp hell.

“Boot camp” is basically code for forcing your body to do things it doesn’t want to do, so Lani and I decided to begin the day with an early morning run. 

It sounds easy enough, but there are two important things to note: 

1. I do not jog. 
2. I do not wake up early.

The good news is, when you fall asleep at 4:00am, an early morning jog doesn’t roll around until about 10:00.

The bad news is my idea of a good run is a 200m all out sprint, and Lani’s idea is a long, consistent jog.

And yet, Lani and I were surprisingly good running partners. I encouraged her to push her speed, and she forced me to ignore the expletives running through my head as my body begged me to stop.

As a result, that morning I ran a full mile for the first time in years.

Although it does not sound like an impressive feat, sometimes it’s the little victories that count the most, like making it home without passing out because I neglected to eat breakfast or drink water before we left the house. Victory.

After taking some time to eat and recover from my sheer stupidity, we threw on Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred, an amazing, but incredibly intense circuit workout.  

I tried to inspire myself during the workout by running a loop of the chorus to Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” through my head. Unfortunately, this was drowned out by the rhythmic cracking and popping of my joints, a less than motivating soundtrack.

My body later performed the full Rice Krispies’ ballad, complete with snap, crackle, and pop, when the sound of the snapping of a metronome entered my head during our afternoon run on the beach.

Normally I’m an online dating profile cliché – I love movies and long walks on the beach. But a beach walk is not exactly a boot camp caliber workout, so Lani and I attempted a first for both of us: a barefoot beach run.

My attempt at forefoot striking

It took a minute to adjust to forefoot striking so as not to injure ourselves, but it quickly became my favorite workout of the week. We even went on a second beach run on spa day. After all, the sand is nature’s pedicure.

All in all, the boot camp workouts were my favorite of the week. On the one hand, it was a painful reminder of just how out of shape I am. On the other, it was promising to realize that we’re generally capable of more than we give ourselves credit for.

Often times, when your health and body frequently betray you, it’s easy to make up excuses, and justify not pushing yourself to the limit. At least I’ve found that to be true in my case.

So when I was faced with my greatest challenge of the day, I did not back down.

I grabbed that handrail, and, one step at a time, I coaxed my legs down that single flight of stairs. It was not pretty, but I persevered.

It’s truly amazing what you can accomplish when you set your mind to it.

Why I Don’t Dance Sober

Some people are naturally graceful. When they move, they do so with the power and elegance of a thoroughbred racehorse. I, on the other hand, move with the balance and coordination of a newborn giraffe – I have legs, I’m just not quite sure how to use them.

Suffice it to say, I’ve never been one who enjoys dancing. I skipped my senior prom. I despise going to clubs. I refuse to be dragged onto the dance floor at weddings until the champagne has had time to work its magic. 

So, naturally, Lani and I decided that an entire wellness day should be devoted to workouts inspired by different types of dance. I blame the hype associated with workouts like Zumba and pole dancing for this.

Our plan for day one, dubbed the “artsy” wellness day, was to complete workouts and wellness activities which are artsy in nature (and by artsy, I mean anything that didn’t fit into the “spa” or “boot camp” categories).

Lani and I began the day with our workouts. As I am much too cheap to invest in a product I may never again use (i.e. Zumba or Wii Fit), we, instead, pulled from our personal DVD collections.

Together we had four dance workouts: aerobic striptease, ballet, salsa, and belly dancing.

I will say that any of these DVDs, in and of itself, is a decent workout.  Doing all four in one day was truly exhausting.

I believe the above picture was taken after the NYC Ballet workout, which was by far the best, most challenging of the four. For those of you wondering, it is also the DVD I would be most likely to incorporate into a regular workout regimen.

Aerobic striptease was, without question, the best for cardio. Although, after struggling to complete the 20 minute workout, I have a hard time imagining how any stripper could be overweight. I must say, if I had to do that workout night after night, I’d be in pretty fantastic shape.

The salsa DVD takes the award for “most likely to collect dust.”  I’m not sure which was worse, the instructor insisting on telling us, “You look AMAZING!” as Lani and I tripped over our feet and slammed our hands into each other, or the ridiculous grin plastered on her face throughout the entire workout. I’m going with the grin.

Belly dancing is a fantastic overall toning workout, and one I would absolutely try again. My only issue with belly dancing is the misleading name. I think a more apropos title would be “Arm and Ab Toning: We Look Sexy, You Will Cry.”

But in all seriousness, I took away two very important lessons from the day 1 workouts:  

1. I will never, ever mess with my friend who is a trained ballet dancer. She may be half my size, but after doing the NYC ballet workout, there is no doubt in my mind that she would level me in a fight.
2. I have avoided dancing all these years for a very good reason. No one needs to see this… 

*To read about Lani and her chachaphobia, check out her latest post, "Chachaphobia and the Dance of Wellness" on Disaster with a Passport.

Green Juice: When Leprechauns Poop in a Glass

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I rarely buy into hype.  I’m not sure when exactly I developed this mindset, but I am inclined to blame it on the demise of beanie babies.

The DIY wellness retreat, however, is all about hype.

Obviously, Lani and I are just testing these trends, not to see if they will be life changing the one time we try them, but to determine whether there is any merit to the hype that precedes a trend, and, if so, possibly incorporate it into our normal routines.

So far we have successfully completed artsy wellness and boot camp days, and will commence spa day as soon as I finish writing, but more on that later.

Right now there is a more pressing issue that needs to be discussed, and that is the matter of the elusive “green juice.”

Below is the video evidence that highlights our efforts to ingest the green juice.  (Spoiler alert: in the battle of Lauren vs. Hype, I take this round, hands down.)  Sincere apologies for our appearance – we shot this video following a morning jog, a circuit workout, and a barefoot beach jog, and opted for authenticity over vanity. Also, disclaimer, please pardon the language midway through the video, it couldn’t be helped.

Our green juice concoction was comprised of apples, pears, celery, wheat grass, kale, and cucumber. I assure you I tasted neither apple nor pear.

As I mentioned on Twitter, green juice is by far one of the worst things I have ever tried to force myself to drink, second only to the jug of hell I was prescribed before a colonoscopy.

Sure I’ve heard the health benefits argument used to promote the consumption of green juice.

To that I say, good riddance!

Cut up some apples and pears, put them in a bowl. In a separate bowl, mix up a salad with some celery, cucumber, and maybe even kale and wheat grass, and throw on a light, natural dressing. Voila! a palatable alternative to green juice.

Healthy living shouldn’t make you miserable. Maybe that’s why we have such an obesity problem, because trends like green juice are being shoved down our throats, when really, a balanced diet and exercise is all we really need.

It seems like every week some medical health professional is announcing new health benefits discovered in foods we eat every day.

The way I see it, who needs green juice when you can end the night with some heart-healthy red wine and dark chocolate?

In fact, I think I just decided how I’m going to conclude spa day.

(For Lani's take on the green juice and her hatred of celery, here's her post, http://disasterwithapassport.blogspot.com/2012/04/green-juice-or-when-leprechauns-poop-in.html)

DIY Wellness, i.e. What I'll Do for a Laugh

At the beginning of 2012, I kept very odd hours. I was usually awake past 5am, and often slept until 2pm.

During the wee hours of the morning, I came across a lot of advertisements and infomercials for the latest health and beauty trends, as companies tried to capitalize on people’s ultimately doomed New Year’s resolutions.

I started thinking about the personality types behind a lot of the fad diets that have come and gone over the years.

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Low-Carb diets: I don’t want to work hard to see results.  I want them fast, and handed to me on a silver platter in the form a 32-oz ribeye.

Weight Watchers: I’ll pay for a glorified dieting babysitter. At least it works.

Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, and other prepackaged meal plans: I'm so gullible I bet I'll look like this newly thin paid celebrity spokesperson in no time!

“Vegetarian:” I don’t eat meat or fish. Well, I will eat some fish. I occasionally eat chicken, but that’s where I draw the line. I don’t eat red meat. Well, sometimes I’ll eat red meat.

Vegan: In case you’re wondering if I judge you, I do.

Acai, pomegranate, etc:, This is amazing, you have to try it! No, seriously. This stuff will change your life. At least until the next life-changing fad comes along.

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It’s the latter craze that prompted Lani and me to start brainstorming this DIY wellness retreat.  It is not to say I never partake in a craze. In fact, in my morning routine, pomegranate Greek yogurt has replaced Wheaties as the breakfast of champions (it pains me that some of you may be too young to appreciate that reference).

And while some of these trends may be delicious and/or nutritious, I do not believe that any of these fads holds the key to unlock some mystical health and weight loss secret.

Naturally, Lani and I felt inclined to test that theory.

Originally we considered a juice cleanse. However, when I did some research, I discovered that combining a juice cleanse with one of my medical conditions was basically met with a skull and crossbones warning. 

This sort of defeated the purpose of the “health” in “health and wellness.”

So instead of tackling this latest fad, we opted to experiment with as many health, beauty, and fitness trends as we could fit into a 3-day window. Before long, each day had a theme: artsy wellness, boot camp, and spa.

Thus the DIY wellness retreat was born.

Wish us luck! I'm going to need it. Desperately.

(Lani and I are live tweeting - @JustMyMazel and @CarolynLani - and you can check out her blog here!).