New Year, New Resolution

“Dear Lord, if you can’t make me skinny, please make my friends look fat.”

This sign greeted all who entered the suite I shared with my five roommates sophomore year of college.

This “prayer” was never answered.  My friends (yes, you) are gorgeous.

And so, year after year, I make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight. 

Granted, after a decade of saying this, it’s more like an annual declaration of self-loathing than an actual resolution.

In an effort to mix things up a bit, last year I resolved to stay completely healthy for one entire day.  I don’t know if it was the fact that I tempted fate, or if it’s just my mazel, but my body took this as a challenge. 

I lost.

My defeat isn’t all that surprising.  New Year’s resolutions set you up to fail – it’s the nature of the beast.

Besides, the way I figure it, the rate at which New Year’s resolutions fail is likely comparable to the U.S. divorce rate, so at least I’m in good company.

To hedge my bets, I made two resolutions this year. 

The first was to stop procrastinating.  Seeing as I started writing this post three weeks ago, it’s safe to say that’s out the window.

The second, and now my official resolution, is to make 2011 the year I will be more selfish.

For those who don’t know me (and for some of you who do), I’m sure the word “bitch” just popped into your mind.

It’s ok, I’ll own it.

But, I have another word for you: ingenious.

If I’m more selfish, I’ll be less stressed.   If I’m less stressed, I’ll stop stress eating.  If I stop stress eating, I’ll stop gaining weight.  If I’m not gaining weight, I won’t be as bitchy.  If I’m not bitchy, no one will notice I’m being more selfish.

Yeah, I’m just that good.