Monday, October 22, 2012

Presidential Smackdown 2012


Alright, everyone. It’s here. The moment we have all been waiting for. The final event in Presidential Smackdown 2012: Wonder Bread vs. Hawaiian Punch.
Yes, there are still two weeks left in the campaigns that just won’t die, but tonight is your last opportunity to watch these two candidates duke it out on national TV. And afterward we get to see the impact of their rhetoric play out on Facebook and Twitter as voters turn to social media to berate their friends’ opinions and belittle their self-worth.
It’s awesome.
Well, in a fit of frustration at the conclusion of the first debate, a friend and I decided to have ourselves a little post-debate rant. I found it extremely cathartic, so I thought I’d pass it along to the rest of you.
You’ll notice I identify the players in the script as “Naïve” and “Evian,” because no matter how I write it, everyone is spewing the same crap at this point.
Happy Bitching!
Initial status update/tweet from Naïve: My candidate clearly won the debate. People who agree with me are awesome, people who disagree with me are wrong. Go America!
Evian: Your candidate is an embarrassment. How can you believe what he says? Rant rant. Rant rant rant. Rant.
Naïve: Oh yeah? Well you know what? I see your rant, and raise you two completely irrelevant rants and one character attack. Bitch.
Evian: Ugh, Naive, your rant was entirely inaccurate regarding the conclusion of my rant. You’re clearly failing to understand the key points of my rant. Here’s a link to a partisan op-ed piece I am passing off as fact to prove my point.
Naïve: I think your rant is just being patronizing, Evian. It's not that I failed to understand your rant, it's simply that I'm right and you're wrong. And also, opinion is not fact. Here are some numbers that support my point, because numbers can never be skewed. Fact. Rant.
Evian: How am I friends with you? Rant rant. You’re what’s wrong with this country, stop blaming it all on Honey Boo Boo and the economy. Rant. Cross the line. Rant.
Naïve: Yeah, well, more blatant character attacks. I’m right, you’re wrong. America. Freedom. RANT.
Evian: Seriously? That’s all you’ve got, Naïve? War on drugs/terror/fast food/Edward v Jacob, RANT!!!!
Uh huh, what now? [Drop mic in victory]
Naïve: [You have selected to de-friend Evian. Do you wish to proceed? Yes] Game over, Evian.

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